I wish I never got sick…or that I still am and always will be. I spent today, in bed, just lounging around and relaxing because my body needed it, instead of doing all the homework that is building up. :(
I seem to cry for everyone, not just for myself and my grief, but everyone having to deal with this right now. R.I.P Jordan, your life may have been short, but you impacted people in life and through your death. Hopefully, where ever you are right now, you are in a better place… <3
Tonight, while walking back from the gym with a few friends, we saw police cars and ambulances outside of Lyons Hall, a dorm that houses two of my friends (two of which were with me from the gym), a dorm that I basically live on the second-floor of because of those friends. Deciding not to brave the storm, my friends and I went to get a smoothie and hang out in Alliot, out dining hall.
Halfway through our smoothies, one of my friends gets and call. He leaves and the rest of us are just hanging out, laughing at random shit. He comes back, face clouded with worry, and tells us that the second-floor (where he lives) was blocked off. No one was allowed on the second floor, at least not on the wing in which my friends live on.
With vague details, my friends leave to go see what’s happening in their hall, leaving me with Angel. Angel and I started discussing next year, our goals and hopes. I mention that I’m going to start a bucket-list, one consisting of things that I want to do before I die.
A few friends come back in, upset written on their faces, and being sarcastic, old me…I made a joke…
Tonight, a fellow classmate died…of what, I don’t know. His name was Jordyn and he used to be the roommate of Vince, a friend of mine who had to take the semester off. As far as I know, he was only 18 years-old. I did not know him that well, only through passing, but the last image I have of him was from Saturday night, as he smiled this huge smile at me before going into a friend’s room. It keeps playing through my mind.
I guess it was kind of serendipitous that I was telling Angel about a bucket-list, as I now have even more motivation for fulfilling it. I’m upset right now. Why? I don’t really know. I didn’t know the kid that well and it seems fake to have this kind of emotion. I feel like I’m upset for the fact that the kid never got the chance to even think of a bucket-list. Life is so fragile… so short… Never take things for granted…please… R.I.P. Jordan……you deserved better than this…
Valentine’s day at college is so much easier than high school: no girls crying in the bathroom, no hard feelings, no one constantly pushing it down your throat that you are alone and they’re not…. I had a great day and didn’t even know it was Valentine’s day until we learned the 4 different words for love in Ancient Greek! I don’t know about you guys, but having to explain to a 50 year-old Ancient Greek professor what erotica is (anyone know the root of that word?) made Valentine’s day seem more real <3
I don’t want to achieve everything to have to have it taken away from me…
I don’t want to cry at night anymore….
I don’t want to lie anymore…. I’m trying so hard to be happy, but I can only do that by blocking out all the shit that has happened to me in the last 19 years of life. I don’t know why all of a sudden it hit me tonight…tomorrow I make an appointment with a counselor, I can’t deal with falling into depression again. I have so much to live for, so why is it so hard to see the positives right now?
Kyra…I lied to you. It’s not an easy thing to get over depression and it’ll never go away completely. If I ever told you it’ll get easier, believe me, it will….but not for while. I haven’t felt this horrible…or hopeless…in a while and I was reading your post about the balls bouncing around in your head, totally get it. I love you, Chica!